I have to shout out a VERY BIG THANK YOU to my friend, Rob!!
He spent a majority of Christmas day making arrangements and drove an extra two hours to deliver a special Christmas gift to my boys! He also went above and beyond my request by putting together a custom gift box and added some holiday flair inside the packaging- and the picture he sent me is A-MA-ZING!
Before I show you that picture of the gift, I want to share more with you about how the universe conspired to make it all happen! I am so grateful to all the beautiful people that helped me find a little peace and joy this holiday season!!
For all my struggles… I am truly blessed! I have THE GREATEST family of friends and support network that a girl could ask for!
My Inspiration
The first time I heard my favorite poem by Rudyard Kipling, I fell in love!
Back in January 2020, I discovered a YouTube channel called Upgrade Your Mindset that features various actors reading poetry. Morgan Freeman is one of my favorite actors and his voice is lends itself beautifully to poetry and classical literature readings, but it was Sir Michael Caine’s rendition of ‘If’ by American poet Rudyard Kipling that took my breath away…
Of course it brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my boys… Replaying the video several times, I was in awe of the simple beauty found in the author’s words as he recounts the characteristics of what it takes to ‘be a man.’ I knew that I had to find a way to share these timeless pearls of wisdom that he captured so perfectly!
My First Attempt
A few weeks after my grandpa, Chuck Meredith, passed away, I found the most beautiful color of spray paint in his collection! The bright, metallic “Pepsi-can-blue” is one of my favorite colors! I coated as many things as I could before I ran the can dry. One of the items I painted was a worn wooden plaque.
I wrote the words out with pencil, erasing and rewriting again and again to match the spacing with the poem’s cadence and make sure that the letters weren’t crammed together. The verses echoed over and over in my mind as I painstakingly carved each letter into the painted wood with Grandpa’s Dremel rotary tool. Then I painted inside the letters with a rose gold metallic enamel. The rose gold offered such a beautiful contrast to the bright blue! It was beautiful!
I daydreamed a hundred scenarios of how I might deliver it to the boys personally, but I feared that if I attempted to contact them face-to-face that I might end up with a no-contact order. I shared with you in the post about my Christmas wish that I haven’t received a response from Ashley Drew to any messages, calls or emails that I had sent following the final visit with my children on December 14, 2019.
I could’ve sworn I took a couple pictures throughout the process. Unfortunately, I have yet to uncover any photos. Also unfortunately, that beautiful wooden sign was packed up with all of my other belongings in Jim’s bread truck that was legally stolen from his property in Vinton.
The Card Campaign
I realized in hindsight that I had set an unrealistic goal on December 6th, when I resolved to send a thank you, thinking of you, birthday, and/or holiday card to Elijah, Noah, and Ashley every day until Christmas.
I hadn’t anticipated the toll that would have on me mentally and physically. The holiday season has a way of sending me off on a roller coaster of emotions, exhausting me to a level that only severe trauma and grief can reach. Reassurances from those around me offered a boost on good days. Thankfully, there are more good days than bad ones- when doubt creeps in, thriving on the ongoing silence and leaving me drained.
I fell short of my goal by a long shot… In the end, I sent the boys eights cards each. I decorated the cover of the blank cards with a quote or song lyrics that felt important for them to hear. Inside the cards, I wrote a letter about different things. I had no set plan for the topics- I just wrote whatever came to mind that day. I have so many things I want to share with them… so much we could talk about!
I am not sure how many people answered my plea for help by sending a card on my behalf. I tried not to sound pushy or desperate in the messages I wrote from my heart, but I did mention specific posts that I wrote to/for/about them, along with my website and phone number several times. I also added a return address on every envelope.
I took pictures of (almost) every card I sent, and you can read all of those here.
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Patience is a Virtue
I have not heard anything from the boys or Ashley… yet. I try not to worry about what that might mean at this point. I am hopeful that we will reconnect when the time is right. One thing that I have definitely learned through my experiences with DHS is patience. This hard lesson has been reinforced and further cemented into my being in the time since I said goodbye to my children.
I have learned to trust in the process that Wicca has taught me- I set my intention with the Universe and released any attachment to a specific outcome. I have faith that the Universe is working for the greater good and will help align the circumstances necessary for things to fall into place. I say yes to the opportunities that come my way, and seek the hidden meanings behind any obstacles I encounter.
Gifts for Christmas
Having failed in my goal with the cards, I decided that I would send gifts for Christmas. I wanted to send something for the children and something for the whole family- and I wanted it to be special!
Ashley received five cards from me, and a sixth was addressed to both her and her husband. The verses I adapted from Brene Brown’s ‘WHOLEHEARTED Parenting Manifesto’ moved me to tears several times as I wrote them inside that final card for Ashley and Josh. When I read the last two sentences, I knew immediately that I would be painting those same words onto a blank canvas as a gift for the entire family.
I regret that I was unable to finish this gift in time for delivery, but it is high on my priority list once I finish this post!
Brenē Brown is a professor and author that became well-known after speaking at a TED talk event. As I wrote this post, I took a break to watch her popular presentation, titled “The Power of Vulnerability.” I learned that she made a return appearance on the TED talk stage, for another powerful lecture called “Listening to Shame.” I HIGHLY recommend that you check them both out!
Try, Try Again
Once again, I started penciling Kipling’s familiar words, line by line, onto the rectangular wooden canvas. I wrote the verses over and over, erasing and rewriting until it was perfectly aligned. Unlike my first attempt where the idea was born out of the paint, this time I struggled to envision a finish for the bare wood. I needed something bold enough to breathe life into the words. I carved and sanded it the piece multiple times, experimenting with different stains, colors and techniques.
Friends offered suggestions and I tried them all… but no matter what, it just wasn’t right. I was frustrated, and mentally preparing to sand the board and touch up the the letters again when the gorgeous slab of burl wood caught my eye. I overlooked it for this project when my friend Thomas offered it to me, but a second look revealed how perfect it was!
The long, narrow flat plane and its winding curves add structural support and the live natural edge helps direct the eyes of the reader through the lengthy passages. When I asked where he got it, Thomas shared that the burl piece had journeyed with him to Iowa from northeastern Pennsylvania years ago, and never revealed its purpose. He couldn’t remember the kind of tree, just that it was part of a burl. THANK YOU THOMAS!
After tossing a couple hand-drawn sketches in the trash, I uploaded a picture and took advantage of Paint 3D for mapping out the style and spacing. I wrote the verses lightly in pencil, one section at a time. I took great care to maintain clean, level lines and double-checked this before carving the letters into the slab.
From start to finish, this labor of love took me about 25 hours. I was literally racing the clock, but maintained calm and steady hands as I poured over every little detail. I wanted it to be perfect! It had to be perfect!
My Gift
And perfect it certainly turned out to be! 💖😍 I am VERY proud, and I am sure they love it to!
As with any artwork deeply imbued with my energy- heart and soul- it was a little hard to let it go! Of course, I want my sons to have it- but again, I worried about what would happen to it once it got there. Would they even bother to show it to the boys? Or would it be destroyed before they could see it?
I was relieved when Rob accepted the mission to deliver the gifts on Christmas day. He assured me that he would gladly deliver it to where they live in the country outside Washington personally, and that he would make every effort to deliver it to Noah and Elijah’s hands directly.
I forgot to take a picture of the short and sweet note I added to the back before Rob left with it. I basically dedicated the piece to Noah and Elijah, reassuring them that I think about them every day and I still love them forever and always, most-est-er time infinity times googleplexian! I also told them to check my website for this blog post to see a video and hear my voice reading the poem just for them. And in the Christmas card I sent with it, I wished them all Merry Christmas and signed it from Mom and Lexy, and Jim, and Dad and Julie, and Meeko, and Freyja!
Mission Accomplished!
At 1848 on December25, 2022, I received the pictures and a message from Rob with the details of how it went…
After knocking several times, a boy answered the door. Rob said he practiced what he would say many times on his way there. The boy, struggling to keep two dogs inside, accepted the package and said, “okay thank you.”
Rob heard him yell at another kid to “go get mom now” as the door closed and he turned to walk back to his car. After leaving the driveway, he got a little lost and took a wrong turn down a Level B road. When he got turned around, a newer vehicle with super bright lights had caught up to him. He assumes it was Ashley or Josh, because it came out of nowhere. They didn’t try to pull him over, but stayed a comfortable distance behind him and followed him back to the paved road.
I am eager to hear more about it when I see him in person! He knows I will probably ask a million questions!
The Video
As promised, I am preparing a video of myself where I will be reciting ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling, so my kids can see my face and hear my voice reading the words to them. My OCD, perfectionist brain is making this part of the post probably harder than it needs to be, but in my defense, I am shooting for something more artistic than a Snapchat video…
I am working hard to wrap up editing on the video by this evening- so check back!
A New Chapter
I will never “just get over it.”
I don’t understand people who say that or think that I should, but I forgive their sheer ignorance and pray they never find out for themselves. I can confidently say that any and every insult and injury I have endured at the hands of another is forgivable. I can forgive and release and move on from every loss… but I will always grieve for my children and the time we have lost.
I have often wondered whether Noah and Eli have tried to find me online… whether they were discouraged from reaching out to me… or whether they were allowed to, but simply did not want to talk to me. I wonder so many things really… if they are happy…. how they are doing in school… what they think about when they lay down for bed each night. And until I can ask them these things myself, I always will. I can accept that they aren’t coming home to me, but it is the not knowing- and inability to communicate with them- that kills me.
I eagerly look forward to hearing from them! But I will no longer allow the lack of contact to paralyze me. I miss them terribly, and will always grieve for the time we have lost…. But I will no longer allow my sorrow to overwhelm me and derail the important work I am doin g. That is a promise I hereby make to myself!
I will never “just get over it.” But I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life with worn out tools. I am rediscovering myself, reimagining my life’s purpose, and finding reasons to smile again. I have grown a larger family of friends, and forged bonds with many that no one could break. My research has uncovered a whole new world of possibilities that I share with like-minded people as we work together to make these thoughts of a better tomorrow into a reality.
While it is not “a job” in the traditional sense, I have been blessed with the freedom and flexibility to pursue writing. My work has focused primarily on exposing the truth about harsh realities of the child welfare system by sharing my story and encouraging others to share theirs. By raising awareness through my blog posts and the dozens of emails that I have sent to dozens of government agencies and related organizations about the wrongful termination of my parental rights, I am confident that I have been a strong voice in advocating for change.
That being said, I feel that the cards and gifts this Christmas were important ways that I found to end this chapter of my life. I have not heard anything from the boys or Ashley, but I know that they received my gift. I suspect they are among the visitors to my website, and so I am grateful to at least have an avenue for sharing with them.
At least now I can move forward with my life, knowing that they know that I haven’t forgotten about them, that I love them dearly, and pray for the best for them every day. I have done what I can to express my regret, to seek and offer forgiveness- hopeful that by sharing these heartfelt ramblings and revelations that I have opened the door for future communication.
I find peace in knowing that they have my email and mailing addresses; my website has my social media links and other contact information. I decided to add a contact form below- just in case! And, with that, I leave the ball in their court, so to speak.
Get in touch
Feel free to send me a message using this form! I look forward to hearing from you!
The Cards
Here are the cards that I sent to them! I have searched everywhere, but it seems that I inadvertently missed taking a picture of the final card to Eli.
To Ashley
I sense that perhaps she misunderstands who I am as a person, who I was as a mother… I hope the messages in these cards showed her a different side of me, and that she knows how strongly I meant everything I said.
To Noah
I love you so much, my miracle boy! I am so incredibly sorry for all the ways that I failed you… and I can only hope to have a chance to somehow try to make it up to you someday.
To Elijah
I love you so very much, my baby boy! I am so unbelievably sorry that I have not been able to be there for you growing up- I hope you can forgive me!
Iridescent Alchemyst 
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