NEW!! DECEMBER 2023
I have been working to put together a website for each of my sons, as a way to share their story with them- and the world!
to my life’s purpose- transmuting the pain into something big enough to honor our losses!
💚 I hope you boys find it as inspiring as I do! 💙
Your sister and I love you forever
and miss you every day!
🩷💜💚💙
I want you to know that I think about you every day!
Where do I start? I have so much to say to you… so much that I want you to know… So much that I feel you NEED to know! But of course as I sit here with my fingers on the keyboard…. my mind is drawing a blank. Actually to be honest, my palms are sweating and I have butterflies in my stomach as well….
Boys, I want you to know that I still have full custodial and physical rights to Lexy. I received the following document about 2 weeks before the order came back denying my appeal against the termination of my parental rights.
Needless to say, this section of my website will be evolving over time. And this is the second version of this letter that I have published. The first edition debuted on my initial website about 3 years ago, and I last updated in August 2022.
I know that you received my gift on Christmas day… I hope you like it! I put my heart and soul into every detail and I did all the work myself! Just for you.
I feel that the main message that Mr. Kipling was trying to share is that no matter what happens to you in life, the one thing that you always have control over is the way you respond. The wisdom in those words will take you far in life… Maybe not in the short term, it seems, but if you keep your faith and focus on yourself and your goals, in the end, you will prevail.
To be honest, much of what Rudyard Kipling said resonated deeply within me… When he said “If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, and watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build em up with worn out tools…” WHEW… I felt that! Turns out I have achieved “man status” myself! Or I am working towards it anyway!
Christmas 2022
So much has changed for me since you have been gone! I’d like to think you would be proud of me, because I do my best to spend most of my time working on various projects… but mostly research, and writing blog posts, and writing emails… You can read about all that in my posts, so I won’t go on and on about it here. If you would like a hint for a good place to start- check out My Plan for Being The Change and Forgiveness is the Way To Freedom.
These people have no idea who they messed with, but I have developed EXPERT LEVEL PATIENCE! I actually learned a new term today that I jokingly refer to as the superpower: Equanimity! There’s no other way to endure the pain that comes with losing you, and being cut off from you completely. I am determined to see justice for our family! I am taking this time to heal myself, so when the time comes, I will have the frame of mind and strength needed to do it right!!
I am living in Vinton now. But I guess you probably knew that if you got the cards I sent in December? I will keep you updated if I move to a new location.
It may not make sense to us right now, but you should know that I have faith that we are where we are supposed to be… for now anyway! Even though its difficult to be patient and some days I struggle to make progress, I am confident that one day this nightmare will be over and we will be united again!
I tell Lexy all the time, and anyone who will listen really… that if this was going to happen– if the staff at the department of human services were destined to steal you boys no matter what… if this separation was inevitable, then I am GRATEFUL that I have the means to FIGHT BACK!! You are probably not aware that the same department staff succeeded in stealing all five of your father’s children (Yes that means you have 3 half siblings).
My heart goes out to the mothers and fathers who have had to endure their abusive practices and were left with no choice but to accept it… My heart aches for the families and lives that have been unnecessarily and inhumanely destroyed in the name of child welfare! To put it quite bluntly, our government used the crack cocaine epidemic that they introduced into inner-cities to steal African-American children for decades! They were so successful with this campaign, they mirrored the same efforts with methamphetamine and opiates!
I promise I will never stop fighting for a desperately needed, massive overhaul of the child protective systems! I have made it my mission to raise awareness and advocate for the restoration of our rights as a parent to the status they once held as a integral part of our RIGHT TO LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF OF HAPPINESS
The universe sends me signs regularly to reassure me that I am on the right path! I had already made the decision to write a book!! Why am I writing a book? I have many reasons for publishing what happened to our family for the world to see, but I wrote this post about my 3 biggest motivators.
I regret that I have not been able to make more progress, but I want to be 100% ready to kick the hornets nest. I have been investigating every means I have available to follow up on to bring attention to the injustices carried out by the department under the false pretense of “child safety.” What they did stealing you from me was so wrong, but the foster family cutting communication between us is horrifying!! I had no idea it would be like this… The pain is excruciating and unbearable some days!
I called the Ombudsman’s office right after I received the denial for my appeal to the court’s decision to terminate my parental rights. I also got in contact with a special investigator that was involved with prosecuting another DHS case worker in a different county. Neither of them were very helpful either,. The instructions I got from a gentleman at the Ombudsman’s office were to contact the local county attorney… and when I shared with him that I had little faith that they would help me, he told me organize and compile the information myself, and he would take it into consideration to open an investigation. In other words, I will have to do the leg work in order for them to do their job. God bless Murica… 
Thankfully, nursing school prepared me for this life in so many ways, but in a big way by drilling it in my head: If I didn’t document it, I didn’t do it. So, before anyone asks, YES I do have proof!! I hope that you boys remember, and anyone who knows me KNOWS, the number one thing I strongly despise is a LIAR and especially BEING CALLED A LIAR. I know that some will still argue against the jaw-dropping facts of what happened or accuse me of exaggerating. I promise you that the ugly truths will come out; decisions, statements, and behaviors of all sides that contributed to the demise of our family.
I regret that I had not started recording phone calls and conversations on day 1, but I am grateful for the recordings I do have. They are not flattering for the social worker, FSRP workers, special investigator or Ombudsman- I could sense the anger and resentment when I shared that I had been recording phone calls. I also kept a detailed spreadsheet of all the text messages and phone calls related to our case. Perhaps more importantly, I also have documentation for every phone call and visit that I had (and DID NOT have) with you kids.
I have also sent dozens emails to government agencies in Iowa and across the country. For the longest time, I received little to no response. Earlier this year, someone suggested that I write to our elected officials here in Iowa. I am disappointed to report that even though the staff member I spoke with seemed genuinely concerned, Governor Reynolds ghosted me!
I would like to send out another BIG shout out to Senator Joni Ernst! She is the only one that took the time to submit an inquiry to DHS on my behalf. After receiving the letter back from DHS, and taking my responses into consideration, she encouraged me to seek legal counsel.
Lawsuits and legal action proceedings against the the corruption in the child welfare system are a growing trend world wide, but it continues to be a lucrative money machine that funds many agencies and organizations. Sadly, I have yet to find a lawyer that has the balls to take on our case, let alone one willing to do it pro bono. This inspired me to take free courses on the judicial system and the process of representing myself. THAT has been quite the eye-opening search for the truth…
Every day since this nightmare started I have been reliving the little details that ripped my family apart. I keep pulling myself back together, but I will never be the same. I can’t move on. How does anyone expect me to move on without my babies?!?!
I was not a perfect parent, no one is… but I promise you and swear on my life that I tried to do the best I could with the resources available to me. I PROMISE you my failures were not from a lack of love…
I pray daily that you remember ME and our family. I hope you remember how things were before you were stolen from me, before life got so hectic… how hard I worked as a nurse and the long hours I put in… Camping as a family… Trips to Paris beach… Cuddling together to watch a movie… Car rides and the many trips to the doctor and Tanager… Halloweens and trick-or-treating… Christmas mornings & Santa’s letters…. That time Santa came to our house to visit… Coloring Easter Eggs… Watching fireworks and parades… Bingeing on Dr. Who with Austin… Visits with Karla and Phaedra… Taking Meeko for walks… School shopping… Music concerts… Living with Farrah when mom was in the hospital with Eli… Living with Buster… I hope you remember HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!!!
I hope you remember when it was just us…. me plus 3. Those are the memories that take my breath away… Those are the days that I miss with my whole heart!!!
I am counting every day until I hold you in my arms again… and it can’t come soon enough!
Signed with love,
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
–mom
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Iridescent Alchemyst 